My friend is being controlled or am I jealous?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Jo 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #196445

    Hello,
    It seemed this was the most appropiate forum although I’m not a guy seeking advice. I’m a 29 year old woman who has watched a good friend (a guy) of mine become very attached to a much older woman. He now rarely contacts me except for an occasional email. Not even text, an email.

    So my friend is 33 and I have known him for 10 years. We have both had significant others in the past. At times we became distant but we never went more than a few weeks w/out communicating. I find him attractive yet not my type. I always assumed he felt similar because I noticed he likes curvaceous girls, while I’m more very petite. We’ve maintained friendship while not getting jealous of eachothers attempts in the dating world.

    Then one day he told me he was dating someone new. He seemed hesitant to say much but told me she’s different. Shes not just curvy he said, shes very overweight. And shes 10 years his elder! As a friend I did my best to encourage even though I was a bit surprised by his choice.

    As the weeks went by he got more distant but still kept in touch. Finally after about 2-3 months I briefly met her during a community street fair. I tried to hide my shock but all I could think was wow!! She was very heavy, over 250 lbs for sure. She also looked very much 43, while my friend is 33 and looks about 25 (tops)! I didnt want to make things uncomfortable, I tried hard to hide my shock. Several days later I confided in him that she didnt seem like his usual type, but I thought its good to follow your heart. She seemed friendly in our first meeting so I thought who am I to judge?!

    Well 6 months later and he barely communicates anymore. Finally recently I met them at a bowling alley (i had a date with me). She didnt talk to me much and seemed focused on their bowling game. I couldnt help but notice that she seemed to have gained another 50 lbs….she looked huge. Next thing I know and shes doing a little dance after beating him twice in a row. I watched him turn a shade of red. Awkward! Before I could say much she insisted they go and wished my date & I goodnight. My friend is kind of passive and just gave me that look and said he’ll talk later. A week goes by and nothing. I text him jokingly if he is still recovering from a bowling beatdown? He responds and goes along with joke saying she always wins at boardgames too. I continue teasing him it must be hard on his ego to date someone like that. He takes several days to respond saying its “sorta gone beyond dating.” I ask what he means, and he responds that they’re now engaged! Wow I was in shock…

    I told him congrats because I didn’t know what else to say. Again days go by and he doesnt respond. Finally after nearly a week I get a response but its Candace on his phone! She says “This is Candace. Thanks for the congrats but perhaps texting is no longer appropriate. Hope you understand.”

    I feel like this woman has hypnotized him in a short 9 months. She seems to be in total control and dragging him down the aisle. I just want my friend to be happy even if our friendship ultimately dies. She sent me the unfriendly text a couple days ago and today I get an email from him apologizing for her text. He says maybe email is better way to communicate and that he hopes I’m well..

    I’m not even sure how to respond? It seems I have lost a good friend. I dont even think I’d feel comfortable at a wedding after her text to me…..

    I’m just going to back off and hope for he emails. I dont think this is just me having a bit of jealousy. I’m concerned about him but clearly he is old enough to make his own choices. Just feels like this woman is bad news. Shes much older and dare I say trying to trap him?? I wish there was something more I could do or say! Any advice?

    -concerned and maybe a tad jealous

    #196468

    Hi Sara, welcome to Female Forum! 🙂

    I’m really terribly sorry about what you’ve gone through with your friend, I know this can be really hard.  I’ve been in his situation, where I was in a relationship none of my friends and family approved of, and I know nothing works, anything you say about her will only drive him further away from you.  He must have feelings for her, even if you feel his situation is unhealthy, all you can do is be supportive on whatever terms he feels are necessary.

    She might be very insecure because of her weight, and that’s why she might be jealous of you, and why she feels so glorious defeating him at games and such.

    All I can suggest is to be there for him as he needs you to be, and if things do go badly between him and Candace at least he’ll know he can trust you and rely on you, and he won’t feel any negative feelings towards you.  I know when I was in my bad relationship, I feel one reason I might’ve stayed in too long was because I was defending him, and it was really hard for me to talk to anyone about what was going on in my life, because I really didn’t want to hear “I told you so”, and I didn’t want to admit my family was right about him (they were right for the wrong reasons).  How I wish I’d had someone who’d just supported me right from the beginning that I could count on when things got bad, you know?

    I hope everything works out for you and your friend.  Please take care.

    1 member liked this post:
    #196477

    Of course, you don’t want to push him away: he would most likely defend his partner. I can’t say whether he’s being controlled. As for your jealousy: I don’t think these thoughts you’re having are out of jealousy. Of course, I can’t read your mind but I don’t think you’re acting out of jealousy. Just quietly support him and let him confide in you. I wouldn’t mention any deep thoughts of yours. If the relationship is a mistake, he has to realize it for himself. That isn’t to say you’ve got no right to an opinion, but be wary of sharing them. You seem like a great friend and that is all you can be, really. He has to realize for himself. I know it’s hard to hear, but it is true.

    1 member liked this post:
    #196509

    Switch their roles: She’s the friend who dropped off the grid and acting skittish, and he’s the one telling her friends not to talk to her. Nobody would even hesitate to call it what it is: a toxic and controlling relationship. I’m 100% sure your friend is being controlled, and you are right to be concerned.

    How to approach the situation depends on what your friend is like, but it sounds like he is open to you. I would suggest finding a time and place where you guys can have a heart-to-heart. Let him know he’s a grown man and nobody has the right to tell him who he can or can’t be friends with. Let him know you are worried and that you value your friendship with him, and if needs to talk (with or without your input) that you’ll listen. And avoid making the conversation about her. As mentioned above, criticizing his partner directly runs the risk of putting him on the defensive and less receptive to your concerns.

    #196885

    Thank you for sharing this story and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this! I myself can relate to the situation as I was best friends with a guy pretty much my entire life and him and I were very close yet never felt anything more than a best-friend/brother-sister bond. I later dated a guy who was very into me and became rather controlling over not only my friends, but my looks and activities as well. Unfortunately, as bad as it sounds, it is easier to fall into toxic relationships and become foggy on the outside and true reality of things. Some partners can be very manipulative without the other partner even noticing. Perhaps she may be concerned that he may feel some kind of way towards you or that your physical appearance looms over her and therefore, she feels the need to push you away. On her part this is VERY wrong. She may be his fiancé and his lover, however, a true good person who really cares for his well-being would and should understand the importance of friendships.

     

    In my opinion, she should not push you away or control him in distancing himself from you, as I am MORE than sure, you have been there for him, impacted his life in many ways, and there is no doubt that you mean something special to him! As you mentioned he is passive, this is a HUGE concern as I was passive myself and fell into a toxic relationship of the same sort. Luckily for me, the relationship ended (very badly) however, I learned to NEVER throw aside your true friends because at the end of the day, they will always be there for you and to throw away years of memories is NOT the way to go.

     

    I think you have every right to be concerned and upset for sure. You however, can only do so much. I think it would be appropriate for you to reach out maybe in a form where she cannot see such as email or so, and ask him to meet up with you simply to discuss the situation. The rest will be up to him. If he truly values your friendship and you as a person, I hope he will agree and from there you can simply discuss how you feel you are being treated, and ask him to explain what he wishes to do. I would try to refrain from criticizing his partner or even hinting at the fact that he is more than likely in a toxic relationship, as passive individuals in toxic relationships only deny deny deny and may get more upset with you.

    I hope that he comes to his senses and is able to man up and explain to her your friendship and its importance  to him. Be strong and I pray that your friendship with him is able to return back to its old ways!

    1 member liked this post:
    #196959

    Jo

    If he is such a good friend you should feel free to talk to him about it.

    Are you willing to just give up your friendship? The way things look, you’ll be loosing out big time.

    He chose her, fine. His choice. You loose a good friend, hell no. Not her choice. I’d have a word in that if I were you.

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