April 8, 2020 at 4:34 pm #209796
I am not too happy with my oldest daughter Michelle’s choice of boyfriends.She is 16 and 3 of them so far,I told her give it a break.Problem with them were disrespecting me a lot.First one,telling me go back to Germany where I belong and almost blew up in his face.Told him I live here as a legal USA citizen now and respect that.Michelle liked him and told me give him a chance,told her it was not going to happen.2nd boyfriend,called me the offensive words that I don’t like being called.I am a proud redhead and he called me carrot head and carrot top.I told him to leave now,she was hurt when I did it.Told her that was disrespectful to me.Final and 3rd time,this one called me a Nazi.I was not too happy with him on it.Told him he we needed to take a walk somewhere.Walked to his car,told him leave or be respectful to me,I am her mother.Michelle was angry with me when I did that.My husband/her step father stepped in and told her he disrespected me and that is not allowed in our home.She doesn’t get it yet,any ideas?I love her and we have a good relationshipApril 8, 2020 at 5:05 pm #209797
Having had a German mother, I never chose any friends, much less boyfriends who behaved like that. There were plenty of ignorant classmates who said similar things. Needless to say, I didn’t have much to do with them outside the classroom. Being a former military brat, I’ve lived around almost every type of mixed couple one can imagine. Most of the ignorance I encountered was from teenagers in a small town in Tennessee, where people don’t stray much beyond the county…much less the state or country. By that time, I had lived on three continents.
Never having had children, I can only offer what little life experience I have. I wonder if she’s suffering from low self-esteem, as many teenagers do until they “find themselves.” I also wonder if this total lack of respect is indicative of our time.
You also don’t owe these brats any explanation of your citizenship status…or any other trait…and you were right to kick them out of your home.April 8, 2020 at 5:43 pm #209817
Her bio dad,he was not too happy too.Told me I did the right thing.He didn’t like them tooApril 8, 2020 at 6:20 pm #209821
I’m really glad that you’re getting the support from your partner and your ex that’s very important. I think it’s important that you explain to your daughter just how hurtful those kinds of comments are, it’s pure racism… if she wants to associate with people like that explain it really upsets you, it makes you sad, not angry just really hurt. hopefully she will start seeing things your way and choose better boyfriends.
I do realise how hard it is having a teenage daughter ,my own chose badly with her first boyfriend.I knew it was bad idea, his father was a serial abuser of both of his wives but she said this boy was different,then one day she came home and said it’s finished. at first she wouldn’t tell me why and then the truth came out he had wanted to see a film she said she didn’t want to go , he got angry and raised his hand to hit her….he didn’t realise she’s left handed, and he didnt see her fist coming, she blacked his eye picked up her stuff and she walked. But you know ? he didn’t get it, he said why are you still breaking up with me I didn’t actually hit you… she told him the only reason you didn’t hit me was because I got there first.
It took her a while to learn that lesson but her next boyfriend is now her husband and he is a lovely guy.
April 8, 2020 at 6:31 pm #209823
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by cassandra.
I told her those were hurtful words to me.I told her she needs make the right choices in life.I admit I was like her when I was her age,mom and I had a talk about it and knew she was right learning my lesson.I told Michelle this too and I seen she got the point already.April 8, 2020 at 8:53 pm #209830
Hiya, maybe it is a phase she is going through, you know the” be a rebel “to her parents. I suppose we all go through something like that at her age. You do hope she realises she is upsetting you and your husband and founds some nice boyfriend who treats you with more respect.April 8, 2020 at 9:06 pm #209832
I hope so,she needed to listen.I told her it upset me tooApril 9, 2020 at 7:07 am #209867
It’s a difficult time. You really have to get the message over to your daughter, but not alienate her either. Giving her the freedom to choose and being there in support. My stepson was an absolute nightmare when he was little, but less of a problem as male and he learned his lessons before he got into bad, late teen ways. I find it’s just keeping up dialogue without raised voices and slammed doors, and being there.April 9, 2020 at 7:50 am #209871
Her dad has talked to her about this as well,I am glad he has stepped in too in this situation to help.Told her she has the freedom to choose with the right choice made.Curt,he did say respect comes in our home,not hatred and racism having the talk with her tooApril 17, 2020 at 7:11 pm #210357
16 year olds are not thought emotionally rational. Of course that’s no excuse but your daughter is still an older child/rather than an adult, if you see what I mean. She most likely only sees the world from her own eyes. That could change is later years, but at the moment, this is who she is. You still need to be authorative, but also understanding and calm when she gets angry. Of course you’re still her mum and she needs to know you’re not a doormat. On the otherhand, if you lay into her, she will become defensive and you’ll find it impossible to reason with her. It is a balance.
I hope you get through to your daughter: these years are crucial to her emotional development and she needs someone to support her and be there. She needs you: even when she or you are angry.April 18, 2020 at 6:25 pm #210414
Her dad does get involved too,gave her ex boyfriends his 10 question why they want to date her exam.They failed it.My mom has been there for support,she knows it well when she raised my 2 younger sisters and I.Michelle and I had the talk last night,she realized her dad and I were right finally.Figured out her dad and I want respect and knew that was first.Mom found the song Teenage Daughters by Martina McBride that has helped me.April 20, 2020 at 1:53 pm #210487
I have never heard the Martina McBride “Teenage Daughters” song, but if you’re helped out and inspired by it, you’re right to listen to it. Music can definitely heal the heart and bring inspiration and anyone’s life. I find music therapeutic myself.
I’m glad your daughter is able to talk to you and the rest of your family. The teenage years are hard, but your daughter has to know she’s not alone and that you’re always there for her. Even when tempers flare, your daughter will calm down and realize you’re just looking out for her. Of course, you can’t protect her forever BUT even when in the big, bad wide world, your daughter will still know she has you and all your family on her side.
Be patient, be understanding and show a firm – not aggressive – stand when that temper flares.April 22, 2020 at 12:40 am #210582
I raised a son and gave him my view of what girls and their parents are looking for in a suitable boyfriend. I also reminded him of all the pitfalls he will encounter if he crosses lines and how that would affect the rest of his life. Consequently, he never got into any trouble, he told me years later, that it was the fact I told him I knew what he was going to do before he did it that took all the fun out of everything. My reply was, “too bad you had a hippie mother who was a teen during the sexual revolution”. Good luck with your daughter, they think they are so grown up at 16. If I remember correctly, I was draw to dangerous( bad) boys too when I was 16.April 22, 2020 at 12:38 pm #210604
You obviously were a liberated parent, Butterfield8. I think your son was advised well. I also think you’re right that 16 year olds do assume themselves very grown up at that age. It is only in later years they realize they weren’t as mature at 16 years old as they had thought!
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