November 18, 2020 at 2:02 pm #220162
She has taken numerous overdoses, been held in a cell several times, assaulted someone and been fined, been admitted to a psychiatric hospital a few times… the list goes on. She now loses her [temporary] accomodation in 3 weeks time. She is at the council offices now.
She grew up in care and I guess her childhood was like sand. Hence why any castle she builds sinks into the sand. She cannot hold onto a property for more than a year. Because of her behaviour. And now she wants to live in my apartment with me. I am hoping and praying she finds a property in town.
I don’t hate her and I do not betray her in any way. But I don’t want her in my apartment. I know that sounds terribly selfish but it’s true. THANKFULLY I have my sister and another lady to take Vicky if she turns up on my doorstep. They have both said it is a very bad idea. And I agree. But how do you tell your close friend she isn’t allowed in your apartment? Especially in winter? I feel like I’m being pulled apart in all directions. I WANT to help Vicky but I don’t want her living in my home.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. What solutions do you have to offer?November 18, 2020 at 7:05 pm #220171
You are not being selfish dear, you are being sensible. No one in their right mind would take in a drug addict into their home, let alone one that has assaulted someone else. Its a sure bet that you would find your things missing as she needs more drugs. You can tell her the facts- she is too risky to take into your home.November 18, 2020 at 8:42 pm #220174
It’s terribly sad when someone gets into this situation sometimes they need a helping hand and sometimes sadly they need a swift kick in the backside.
As for your situation I presume you rent in which case having someone come to live with you could technically be seen as subletting and that would break your tenancy agreement, also while she is homeless the council probably have a legal obligation to house her or at least help her find some kind of temporary accommodation, if you take her in she is no longer homeless and therefore ceases to qualify for help. I think both of those reasons are good enough to say I’m sorry but no you can’t come stay with me.
as regards being in your right mind letting a drug addict stay…..obviously my family are not in their right minds my son found a man living in a sea container on building site where he was working he managed to get the guy a job on the building site but the boss asked for an address, my son didn’t hesitate he gave his own. He told the guy Dave that he could stay but there were no drugs allowed in the house Dave kept his word and of course at Christmas he came here together with my son. He stayed for about a year before he went into drug rehab and eventually moved back to Ireland to his family reunited with them for the first time in over 20 years. He got clean , he got a job, he brought a house , he became uncle to my grandchildren ..sadly earlier this what year he passed away from cancer but instead of being a lonely drug addict he had become a friend to so many people and was loved and will be missed.
A helping hand at the right time can do wonders.
November 18, 2020 at 9:25 pm #220177
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by cassandra.
Good story Cassy, always a pleasure to read about a successful intervention. But those stories are very rare. Most of the time they go back to drugs and there is nothing you cam do to stop them.November 20, 2020 at 3:23 pm #220245
That’s a wonderful story, cassandra. There definitely ARE people who rise out of problems and live better lives. I hope the same turns out to be true for Vicky.
I think it is fair to say, she is mixed up inside. She does want attention, which I’d say is obvious by now. But there is so much drama: calling the ambulance, the police… I don’t want to be sucked up inside her problems. If the worst happened and she came here, I would not allow her to phone the police OR ambulance. BUT she won’t be staying here. I shall be phoning a woman I know to pick Vicky up, if Vicky arrives at my apartment.
Thank you for all your advice: it does help. I have taken it all on board.November 23, 2020 at 9:53 am #220318
I will always be Vicky’s close friend: I just don’t want to share my apartment with anyone. Personal space and all that. Anyhow, I shall be helping Vicky financially. I won’t give her my past penny but I will be helping out money-wise in a sensible way. I am there for all my friends. Vicky is no exception.
BUT that doesn’t mean I’m Vicky’s fool. I won’t let her take advantage of me. I help her out because she is my close friend: I’d never help out a stranger in such a way. She is a good person deep down: she just has upset and stress in her life. Even she is fed up of the way things have gone down. Vicky is sick and tired of being pushed around and blamed for everything. It is NOT always Vicky’s fault. She needs emotional support as much as anyone: maybe more. I won’t abandon her. I do know none of you suggested that but I feel she deserves the help and respect to overcome her difficulties and live a better life.
Again, though: thank you for all your advice. It has been appreciated.November 25, 2020 at 12:12 pm #220391
Vicky has made things a lot easier for me: she said she wouldn’t stay over at my apartment anyway because we’d both end up homeless. I write this because she knows that there is only one tenant allowed on this property at one time. And that if they found her staying at my apartment, they would evict me. I am so, so glad Vicky has come to that realization herself: without me having to inform her of it. She has shown consideration in that way.
I shall support her a little financially, though: I can’t give her 100’s of pounds but I can help her with food costs and the suchlike. Vicky IS a good person and she doesn’t take illegal drugs. She took those overdoses out of desperation. Even she has said she’s fed up of all she’s gone through. She NEEDS to go back into the care system: her social worker betrayed her and said she was capable to making sensible decisions. What planet has the social worker been on? Doesn’t she remember those overdoses and Vicky going to hospital? But Vicky has people on her side: me, Mavis and others. We will all make sure Vicky pulls through these hard times.November 26, 2020 at 7:19 pm #220449
Some so called Social Workers need help themselves. Vicky has a good friend that won’t let her down, but she needs some kind of stability to build on. Her life could get better by moving beyond the past.November 27, 2020 at 9:20 am #220472
I agree Terrihoney: if she could let the past go, she could find life so much easier. It must be hard to carry to scars of a depressed mum during childhood and nasty carers in teenage years. I know she has gone through so much sh*t. People are very hard on Vicky. It isn’t right or fair. Because I do want her to move on from her past.
Anyhow, Vicky has me. I can’t wave a magic wand but I can just listen to her and emotionally support her. I shall always be there for Vicky. Still – I must admit – I am glad to have my own apartment and not live with anyone else. This isn’t because I don’t care about Vicky: it is because I like my own personal space and time to myself. I can’t live with someone else. I’d go mad.
Thank you for all your support. I think we all need a shoulder to lean on in troubled times.November 27, 2020 at 10:12 am #220484
I think Vikky’s decision not to try or even to ask to stay are your house is a very positive move on her part. It shows that she can be thoughtful and put others first.
Sadly social workers often come from more privaliged backgrounds. I have a friend who works with teens/young adults he grew up on a council estate and his parents both worked full time, they never knew or seemed to care where he was . In summer he was often the last one left sitting outside on a wall or bench waiting for his father to come and give him a lift home after work . In winter he would scrounge a cup or tea and a warm seat on the sofa until he dad turned up beeping the car horn. Even on Christmas day he would be wandering the streets hoping for someone to let him in to sit with them for a while.
Now as a social worker he knows what those kids are going through and even when you have a home and two parents its not always easy. But he said most of his co-workers have never lived in a house without central heating , never missed a meal , never had to wait for hours in the cold until someone came home so they just dont get it.
Vikky need to build a bond with a new social worker she needs to be in charge this time laying down the outlines of what she needs help wise and what she expects from them.
I know Im at the other end of the scale now but I do understand. Ive had to fight for my OH to get the right care I had one case worker who came round wrung her hands and said ”oh my, its so awful for you I have no idea how you cope so well” etc etc etc…. But she offered no practical advice or help just drank tea showed me puppy dog eyes and gave me a little hug as she left…
Stuff that, I get puppy dog eyes from my dog/
I phoned the office and told them she was useless I didnt need sympathy I needed practical advice on how to get through the system and to get the best from it.
Now we have a case manager who if she doesnt know she gives us the number of someone who does or she says ‘I will look it up and get back to you’and she keeps her word..
With her help we have found a much better way for my husband to cope with his illness and we have minimal interference from social services while maintaining support.
So there is a way but you do have to fight your ground stand firm and make yourself heard,, I hope Vikky is able to do that.November 28, 2020 at 11:19 am #220566
Yes, I would agree about social workers, at least to some extent. An underlying problem is that they are on very tight budgets, at least here. There is constant pressure from above to cut costs and fit more in. Some of the older hands tend to think more and refuse to diminish care as far as they can but new starters are pushed before they settle in. Although never in social work I saw it as part of the job, ie bedside manner is important (and I love chatting lol).
I also agree with the good backgrounds. That is generally the case. Unlike the winging you hear on the media they are not low paid. I would not hold that against them though but, as I originally thought for members of parliament, they ought to spend some time living in povety to know the problems. My thoughts on MP’s were having to use the NHS with waiting times so that they will be prompted to improve things rather than going private with an ‘Alright Jack’ attitude (Note that in the current crisis Boris with Covid was taken into hospital just in case whereas a good number of old people with Covid were actually discharged straight into nursing homes).December 13, 2020 at 2:35 pm #221154
Vicky is now settled in her wonderful new flat. There is no dirty carpet, no cobwebs, no mucky sink or shower. She has her own kitchen. The downsides are her hob is too small, there is no bath in the bathroom [just a shower] and she must keep things clean & tidy. BUT she is on the ground floor – which she wanted because she does a lot of shopping and in her previous flat had to climb up many stairs. She also has 24 hour care and a communal area to socialize in. Plus, she is a short walk from a bus stop. There are rules: like everywhere. She has a curfew. She must get up at a certain time, she can’t go out at night without someone going with her: that type of thing.
But she is comfortable, she has a roof over her head and she is following the rules. I’d say she is much better there than being in my apartment and having to follow my rules. [Plus, it’d be way too cramped with two people in here.] She now also is not allowed to call the ambulance or police: the staff simply won’t let her. If she does, she will lose her new home. I am also hoping it stays her forever home.
Vicky has had a hard life and deserves happiness.
December 14, 2020 at 7:44 am #221174
- This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by KitKatKitty.
I am glad she things are more soted with Vicky now Kitty. I just hope she copes with the rules.December 14, 2020 at 1:34 pm #221181
Some poeple do very well when they have a strict framework. It leaves no grey areas for them to doubt about, lets hope Vikki is like that.December 16, 2020 at 12:37 pm #221294
In life rules have to be followed. If they are not, there is trouble. Vicky is starting to realize this. And she knows she can’t get her way all the time and that getting angry won’t necessarily mean she gets her way. Even I have to follow the rules. No one is exempt. Again, though, Vicky realizes this now.
If she didn’t want to step-up then she’d end up on a park bench with no hot meals, risk of assault and no toilet. No matter how angry she is, she knows to reign in that temper.
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