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Why domestic abuse still happens

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    I learned the hard way that abuse isn’t just about being hit. It’s about control and power over another person. And it isn’t as obvious to spot as it sounds.

    It comes on gradually, after you’re already emotionally attached so deeply that you excuse the first signs of the relationship turning sour. You’re then conditioned to think that it’s your problem, not the other person’s. If you could just fix yourself, everything would be great again. Meanwhile, the controlling person is not held responsible and sees no need to change. Their actions and attitudes work just fine for them because they get to maintain power. They don’t truly know how to love because they’re only in it to be in control – not to look out for your best at all.

    If you stay, it won’t get better. It’ll get worse. And it affects children from infanthood, just being present in all that tension. The only way to get help for that controlling person is to get out, so they can’t have the opportunity to control you anymore. They likely won’t want to change at all, but the probability of change increases without you there to be the victim.

    Reach out to friends and community if you are being controlled. Staying in it without speaking of it just makes it worse. You need the support of others.

    As a survivor, I can tell you with certainty that there’s a better way to live than being under another’s control. It’s not a relationship if you’re not free – it’s a form of slavery.


    There is a massive difference between being controlling and being in control.  One has more to do with insecurity whereas being in control is about maintaining one’s personal power and respecting others without telling them what to do. And abuse is not always about violence: it can also be about emotional control and fear. Verbal abuse is also as hurtful as being kicked or punched.

    Emotional abuse shouldn’t happen but not everyone is nice or respectful. They may appear so to strangers but still bully their loved ones. Because controlling others is a form of bullying.



    I’m proud to say that this community has helped women in the situation of domestic abuse. We have welcomed and supported women going through difficult times,  in one case we helped to support a woman who was in an abusive relationship through her departure and in making her new life ,. The ladies here supported the steps that she made and we watched as her posts grew in confidence.

    Sadly it is the victim themselves has the power to stay prisoner or set themselves free.

    As much advice as you give. Unless the victim is ready to accept the situation there is nothing you can do.

    The brainwashing is often so subtle that women honestly think that the control is some form of love.

    The support system needs to be there so that when  the victim decides she is ready she is supported and helped.


    There is such a thing as victim psychology. It is called “The Drama Triangle”, if I recall correctly. The victim will blame himself or herself. They will believe they are taking responsibility. But actually they are blaming themselves. There can also be confusion between violence and love. There is also a feeling of isolation: that no one cares or will help. Hence why they often never ask for help.

    Victims of domestic violence – which is to be blunt is similar to bullying – do seem normal, confident people from the point-of-view from an outsider. But they are not so confident deep down. Victims aren’t always so obvious to spot. Some seem very confident with others, but really it can be a front. I suppose people who are vulnerable do try to appear more confident to the outsider.

    I write all this because victims can be male or female. They can be young or old. They can be sociable or shy. They can be rich or poor. There are a lot of controlling, aggressive people and victims need to be shown they don’t have to pretend to not be upset and hurt. Faking it doesn’t mean they’re OK on the inside. And that is what we need to spot to offer emotional support to those victims.

    It’s not right but it happens. And yet there is hope for everyone suffering domestic abuse.


    I do think low self esteem can contribute to domestic abuse. The key to getting someone to leave an abusive relationship is to build their self esteem and confidence. Making them feel good about themselves is vital to helping them. Saying “Why don’t you just leave him?” won’t result in anything positive. Victims need emotional support and no judgement. This is true regardless of whether the victim is male, female, young or old. Just listening to them without offering opinions is how you help them cope. And perhaps end their abusive relationship themselves.


    A song that helps people heal is R.E.M’s “Everybody Hurts”. No one is alone with their pain. We can ALL heal. It doesn’t happen overnight, but we can find hope for tomorrow.

    I write this for anyone in an abusive relationship. Pick up the phone and call that helpline. You don’t have to be a victim: you can be a survivor. And you have the right to choose for yourself.

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