I was reading Cosmo magazine the other day and I realized something. Although it is by far one of my favorite magazines, it isn’t one that I would turn to if searching for concrete advice about how to hold down or create a real relationship. I may be able to pick up a couple of tips on how to spice up my sex life or how to manage a failed relationship, but how to get to any of those points? I’m not so sure.
In fact, a lot of the literature that I have come across lately lets women know exactly what men think of them, but not why men are thinking it. The book-turned-movie “He’s Just Not That into You” was full of pathetic creatures mulling around cutting in and out of relationships with men due to this newfound realization. Never once did I see Jennifer Aniston make an internal change to better the state of her relationship. He may not be that into you, but did we ever stop to think that there is a reason for that?
Maybe men are passing on an opportunity to be with you because you aren’t presenting your best self. The idea that you don’t have to make a fundamental change and can simply wait for someone who understands you amid all your quirks is a belief that will only hurt you in the long run.
What to do when he’s not into you
So what to do? First thing is to stop believing that just because someone doesn’t want to be with you, that he is the problem. Yes, men are characteristically more prone to scare from commitment. However; you have to take a step back and assess what it is you could be doing to make men decide they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Are you frequently finding yourself being broken up with or the victim of the “it’s not you, it’s me” talks? Well, honey, it probably is you.
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I’m not saying this to be mean and I’m not saying this to suggest that we as women should be taking all of the blame. I’m only offering the proposal that you take an inward look. We as women do not have all the answers nor are we perfect.
Personal anecdote: A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about whether or not things were progressing with her and a new man in her life. She said that she really didn’t think so; she thought that although she liked him she didn’t think that he had it together enough if they were going to date seriously. She added with a bit of bite and sarcasm, that even if he did she would probably like him so much that she would end up messing the whole thing up anyway. We both laughed and agreed…
I tell you that story because I know where my personal challenges lie: somewhere in-between ‘nothing is wrong with me’ and ‘complete crazy’. For the most part I am aware of my issues and am working on them. Whenever a relationship has ended I have been able to take a step back and assess both sides. The things I did wrong and the things I needed from my partner that he wasn’t bringing to the table. Sometimes, I also have to swallow my medicine that he was perfect and I ruined the whole thing. This is life, you will make mistakes you regret. Sorry.
Bottom line is that if you do want to get to a place where you are ready to date or be in a relationship you have to know your own triggers and the things that can deter others from getting serious about you. Men are not the enemy here. If he’s just not that into you, what’s up?
This article was written by Danae Matthews – a graphic designer by day and a creative writer by night, working and loving life in San Francisco. She currently works for an on-line health resource that provides both men and women with easy accessible health info whenever they need it. She loves to eat and cook delicious and healthy foods, sometimes loves work out (sometimes) and go out exploring in San Francisco whenever possible.
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