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    In my experience, the same way she would handle it if this person was a man.

    By saying clearly, I really like and value you as a friend and I hope thats ok with you because I cant commit to anything else.


    The thing is  many people are huggy kissy touchy types.. My postlady is very affecionate lady, she calls me sweetheart and darling but I know shes straight so there is no hidden agenda. She loves coming in for a hug and a cuddle with my husband.. (obviously not at the moment)  there is nothing in it and her husband is our post delivery man . But they both know if they need to stop for the loo or a drink they can pop into our house.

    If she were gay would I then have to worry that there was an agenda? I dont think so knowing that she is a very openly affectionate person.

    So I think your friend has to judge ,are these signs out of place for the persons character? Would it be worrying if she did not know her friend was gay or if her friend was obviously straght?

    Also some people are quite flirty by nature but mean nothing by it. If this is the case it could just be a question of mixed messages or lost in translation!

    Best to be open but gentle if she goes in too strong she could loose a friend or worse still be labeled as a homophobe.


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    I bought a hairband today… This is the longest my hair has been for about 30 years and it was blowing all over the place and getting in my eyes so Ive brushed it back and put a hairband on to keep it in place …OH is charmed and loves it…

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    Not sure Id call it enhancing.

    I dont do nail treatments or make up but

    I use moisturiser every day with a sun protector of 30 spf this means at 55 I have virtually no wrinkles.

    Use body butter during winter to keep my skin smooth and soft as well as hand cream .. Do regular foot treatments.

    I clean my teeth and use interdental brushes to keep my teeth nice and clean and I visit both the dentist and mouth hyginest regularly.

    Showering… Goes without saying..

    Keep my hair neat and clean.

    Even if my clothes are not posh or fancy I made sure they are clean and pressed.. My shoes are polished or cleaned (hiking boots)

    I walk tall dont slouch and try to stay fit.

    Like @spinningjen I think that beauty begins on the inside and I like to eat healthy too.

    I also make sure I get enough sleep… All the make up in the world cant hide the bags from lack of sleep!


    • This reply was modified 1 day, 23 hours ago by  cassandra.
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    Three months is no time at all. Then there will be all the “first times” first birthday without him , first father’s day , first Christmas etc those days will be hard dont be surprised if you suddenly find yourself feeling very emotional on those days.

    Continue to focus on positive things when possible and put yourself and your close family ahead of everything else for a while yet.


    Maybe not my sort of film but to be honest I’ve been watching a french series on Netflix. Fire at the bazaar based around a real event. Very good and gripping…


    I think it’s wonderful that we are all so different and we can all appreciate the styles that we wear and the reasons for that. I know I tend to dress in jeans most of the time but this is what suits my lifestyle, when I lived in London you would have found me in a lot of pencil skirts and rather high heels shoes this sorted my way of life back then but I soon learnt that Holland with its little cobbled streets and bicycles does not lend itself to wearing tight skirts or high heels. Having said that I’ve just bought two new summer skirts and a rather elegant summer dress although it is a crepe material which is rather see through so I shall now have to invest in a slip to go underneath it…. I’m a little old to be showing my underwear to the world. !

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    Isn’t it funny how we as women are judged so much by what we wear?


    Would you care to explain this to my 10 year old

    My son just had to have a very detailed talk with her about dress and modesty..

    He is not easily phased but he said this talk had him blushing a bit. He noticed that his daughter is getting near puberty and remarked that he would like her to always wear a vest or tshirt even inside the house. She demaned to know why this was required because he doesnt always wear a shirt and nor does her brother.. Pointing out that mummy always does did not help stop her rant against the discrimination of women and objectifying of women just because they have breasts (yes she is only 10 but going on 35).

    So they had a talk which he said included as much history and womens rights over the decades as it did biology and modesty.

    He has convinced her for now that a top is for her own good as much as anyone elses but has advised that if she wishes to contnue this fight against in-equality she will have to study and become a womens rights advocate to change laws and perceptions about women that way..

    I do sympathise with her. I remember my first bra and I hated it ,  I threw it into the bushes behind the swimming pool and told mum it had got lost. Of course she just bought more but I have never liked bras and never feel happy in them.

    I think if I didnt burn so easily and didnt get bitten by every insect that passes Id be happy in a nudest colony!




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    Can I say depends?

    I mean running about the countryside in hiking books and a floral skirt is not really senisble is it? Quite apart from anything else the gnats and ticks would have a feest on my legs leaving me looking like a walking morse code message.

    So for day to day life yes Im in jeans they are hardwearing, practical, can look nice if they are the right fit and of course they are easy. In the summer I will change into a skirt after the big walk of the day but in winter a skirt here is deadly,  wind that whips for miles across a flat landscape and hits you like ice cold razor blades round your valuables makes skirts a no no..

    When I worked in retail I always wore a skirt I just felt it presented a better image to our customers than jeans although most of my co workers didnt bother.

    Because of health issues I cant wear high neck, roll necks, knitted fabric , tight clothing, or high heels.

    But I do like wearing my slightly vintage looking dresses when I can and if I go out I always make an effort with a nice skirt and blouse or a dress and wear matching jewelry.

    Ive just ordered a pretty floral dress for my half brothers wedding in September ( Im being optimistic.) I also love my scarves soft chiffon mostly that dont irritate my skin. My latest is is a jade green with an image of the Kiss by Gustave Klimt. I try to wear a scarf that compliments what ever top Im wearing, My tops have to be cotton or viscose so that they dont itch ..


    One thing I wont wear is leggings..OMG bigger ladies that wear those things pulled up tight, leave me wondering which end of them is smiling at me!!! blah.




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    Good Luck.

    To be honest I wouldnt go for confrontation. She is an expert in manipulation so you are bound to come away from it feeling bad about yourself as if you are the bad person.

    Better to just begin to distance yourself remove them from your social media or say youre taking time off from any FB or twitter and then later open a new account that excludes them.

    Get a new phone number maybe not straight away but think about it.

    Start using different bars, clubs, shops or diners find new places where you can enjoy the peace and life without them and without looking over your shoulder,

    Give yourself permission to say no , when they phone and ask you to go somewhere or do something just NO. No need to feel you owe them,  they want you to feel that way. No excuses , no get out stories just.. NO I dont want to.

    They will soon realise something is wrong and will ask but dont fall for the ‘have I upset you ‘ line  its just another way to worm back into your life.

    So just say No, Im just doing my own thing for a while.


    I hope it works and you are able to start fresh with friends who make you feel good.

    Remember.. A friend should make your heart sing,  not cry..


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    I think you are very wise to follow your diet and yoga @lafr ..

    So many people are just lounging around watching TV and some are not even getting showered I saw an article that said sales of personal hygine products, like deodorant have fallen sharply YUK… Being at home does not mean being dirty.

    We have continued to get up at 6,30 to walk our dogs for at least an hour then we eat and do our chores walk the dogs again,, after dinner in the evening we are out walking again.

    For me the lifting of the semi lockdown we have had is causing me more stress than lockdown did, I realise Im am happier when I dont meet people on my walk.And if there are less people walking past it also makes me happier.

    I think I will keep this in mind when I decide to move house and will look for something a bit more remote than this house.

    I know I will need a hairdresser at some point and I know I have to have my eyes checked soon but being so close to people who are being exposed to so many others is a little worrying..



    At worst this relationship is abusive at best its toxic , it really doesnt matter… if youre not happy and youre asking us for advice it means you know its worng.

    Can I just say there is a huge difference between an honest, straight talking, taking no cr*p kind of woman and an abusive one. The first three are descriptions which in a man would illicet praise and stand for being a strong and solid person but in a woman they are seen as negatives normally meaning she is called a b**ch. (or worse)


    Anyone who uses another person to make themselves feel strong or powerful by means of domination or abuse is a bully. It makes no difference what gender either or both of them are,, nor from which gender to which,  a bully is a bully end of.

    Now you mention *we have good times…*  I have to tell you that in every case of abused women Ive come across (and there have been too many) all of them without exception say ‘but I love him’ ‘but he can be sweet’ ‘but he is so good to me most of the time’

    This behaviour is just a tool in their manipulation show their good side to the world so that no one will understand the victim and show the good side to the victim so that when they tell the victim ‘you made me do it’ the victim will self doubt.

    In most abuse cases there is a situation resembling stockholm syndrome  which is where a victim of kidnap or hostage will start to feel sympathy or even affection for their captor or abuser.  In quicky coming to your ‘friend’s’ defence you exhibit those symptoms. You are here seeking help and yet do not want anyone to bad mouth your realationship or  your friend.


    Take a step back, maybe take a while away from this and others in this vicious circle and make a note of how much better you feel without this person, how much more relaxed you feel, how positive it is not to have someone putting you down and calling you stupid. How free you feel making your own choices.

    Then you can take the steps to making the break permenent because these people do not change their behaviour.. They dont and no matter what they say or what they promise, no matter how much they say the mean it,  they will revert to type.


    Thats it, the rest is up to you.  Take it or leave it, I know you are a man and obviously you feel thats different,  its not its still abuse and most abused women reach out several times  and sadly it takes an average of 50 abuse cycles before they finally report their abuser  so I dont expect you to walk away overnight.

    But I hope you can make some changes to help you cope.




    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  cassandra.
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    I know this sounds horrible but Im waiting … After about 3 weeks we should know if the infection rate is rising again. At the moment its falling with yesterday 45 new cases regestered in hospital and 27 deaths countrywide. In my province there has been only 1 death since may 2nd, 2 new cases and 10 people have left hospital…

    So if it does go up then I know , no hairdresser for me.. But if the infection rate continues to fall then I will chance it..maybe!


    I have short hair and it’s very thick so once it starts to grow it turns into a real mop.. I had it cut in February just before lock down here,  I’ve already put thinning scissors through it just to keep it a little bit under control but yes it’s growing.

    last week’s lockdown eased and hairdressers here reopened ,of course there was a flood of people who wanted appointments our local hairdresser is open from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday through Saturday and they have social distance by moving part of their salon into an empty shop across the road that way they can move the chairs a good safe distance apart but even so I don’t really want a hairdresser who has cut maybe 10 or 15 people’s hair that day to start putting her hands on my head my face and getting up real close to me thank you very much but I would rather look a mess than look dead…

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    Very sunny and cheerful. I doubt you could feel sad wearing them.


    @kitkatkitty  Keeping my fingers crossed for your friend that it really isn’t covered do keep us updated.

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